my phone needs a breathalizer
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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