I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
