HIV tests are more positive than that guy
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
