Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
