Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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