There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
