i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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