I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
