Betty ford says i'm here all night
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
