Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
