I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
When did angry sex become our thing?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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