Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
