I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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