At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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