I need to stop coming to work sober
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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