you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
