Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize