took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
