What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
