you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
tell me about the eggs
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
