I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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