When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
