Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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