I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
