Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
