do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize