I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
