Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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