my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
