yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
