and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
