Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
