i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
