I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
