take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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