Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
