I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
