I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
