im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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