So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
