the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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