my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
