Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Im part way to drunk.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
