ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
