Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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