It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
