Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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