dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
