I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
