i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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