btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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