Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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