I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
