I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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