wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my being single is dangerous.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
