she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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